Reflections
by salingergurl
Summary: A one-shot from Peeta's POV as he thinks back on his relationship with Katniss. Uses lyrics from the Ray LaMontagne song "Hannah." Please let me know what you liked or didn't like! Thanks.


_I lost all of my vanity_  
_When I peered into the pool_

Even when he was old, and when his children had become old, Peeta could remember the day he accepted death.

It was during his first Hunger Games, from which he was sure he would not return. Somehow, he managed to stay alive, pretending to hate and hunt Katniss until it all fell apart, and he found himself severely injured, crawling along a small river, bleeding. And hungry. And in no position to fight any other Tribute that might come by.

As he dragged himself along the river's edge, hoping a plan better than his current one would emerge, he came to a still pool. He cupped his hand, capturing some of the cool water, not really caring if it was safe to drink or not. He brought it to his lips, letting the rest trickle back to its source. He caught a glimpse of himself then: covered in grime, bleeding, and without hope. He looked at himself and knew, finally, that he would die. It would be here, by the river, listening to its quiet rush, a tiny place of peace in an arena of unrest. Here, he would die and know that Katniss, his Katniss, would win for them both.

It must be as peaceful as possible, he thought; he would not have the courage otherwise. He knew he did not want to be killed, did not want to die for revenge, or hate, or greed. He wanted to just slip away, another Tribute lost to the Arena, the Games, the Capital.

It was there he found his hiding place and covered himself in mud, moss, and bark. It was there that he prepared to die.

It was there that Katniss found him.

_I lost all of my innocence_  
_When I fell in love with you_

Their grandchildren liked to hear the story of the day Gramps fell in love with Mema. He told them about the first time he saw her, when they were five. He told them how she sang and the birds stopped, just like his heart.

What he did not tell them was that loving their Mema was both the best and worst thing that had ever happened to him.

Before Peeta fell in love with Katniss, he had never known fear. Not real fear anyway. Sure, he was afraid of his mother and her unpredictable moods; he was afraid of the Capital, like everyone in District 12. But he had never feared losing someone until the day Katniss was outside his house, in the rain, starving, looking at him with her green eyes. He knew he must help her because _he_ would die if he didn't. He would watch her pass away; she would disappear before his eyes. He could not live with that because he could not live without her. Peeta began to fear a world where there was no Katniss.

Then they became Tributes and he resolved to give his life to her, for her. He pretended to hunt her, to hate her, all in order to save her and, therefore, save himself. She became his partner, his savior. His salvation. She became his weakness.

Peeta's truth was this: Katniss must live at any cost, and, in this way, he would live also.

The pair of them saw the worst Panem had to offer; they both suffered and killed. They carried deep, ugly scars, both physical and emotional. Like many of their generation, innocence was a myth, a short and beautiful time people spoke of but could not actually remember.

After he gave Katniss a burnt loaf of bread, after he vowed to protect her above all, Peeta was lost forever. He bore the burden of loving another person so completely he was lost in it, in her, and he could not navigate his way out. All paths led back to her.

In her life, he saw the reflection of his own; his choices, his desires, and his purpose breathed as long as she did. She was everything alive about him.

Katniss knew this but could not figure out how to respond to it; how to receive this gift. Instead, she held him close each night, resting her head on his chest and listening to his heartbeat, as it dictated the rhythm of a song she hummed only for him. _Here_, she thought, _is where I really live._

_I never knew a man fall so far till I landed here_  
_Where all of my wounds they turned into gold, and I kissed your hair_

When the Capital had had hijacked his brain, when he had been made to despise Katniss, he would have welcomed death. He was a ship, floating aimlessly at sea with no anchor. He looked at himself and found that he had become someone he didn't recognize.

He was not himself without Katniss.

Slowly, he learned to recognize himself again. In her, he began to remember all he had seen, and done, and given for her. In her eyes, he saw the man he had been once and must become again, not because she needed him, but because he was alive and his life belonged to her.

The road back was long and difficult, but she was there, she did not leave him.

After the capital fell, when Coin and Snow were dead, when Katniss and Peeta and Haymitch were back home and picking up the pieces of a fallen world, Peeta found himself again. As he worked in the garden he had planted for her, Katniss began to sing, as she did sometimes when she knew Peeta would hear. When she sang, the world became quiet again and he came back.

Today she sang an ancient song, a song older than Panem and District 12, a song from a time when people spoke of innocence and understood what it meant.

"I lost all of my vanity when I peered into the pool. I lost all of my innocence, when I fell in love with you." She breathed in and continued to sing, and the sun was shining and the world seemed beautiful again.

Peeta stopped, looking up at her, and remembered the reason he was here: it was because of her. It had always been.

He walked over to her and surprised her by hugging her tightly; he wound her long braid around his hand, and cradled the back of her head. He breathed in her smell-woods and goodness and strength-and his lips brushed the side of her head. Suddenly, holding Katniss in his arms, Peeta felt healed. Each scar on his body, each old wound, was a medal he had won in the pursuit of her—in pursuit of himself.

He knew he was home.


End file.
